Admitting Mistakes

Today's post will be very short, just like my huge position in the stock market.

I'm kidding. I'm getting absolutely crushed. Have lost several million in my IRA. It's a good thing I keep most of my money underneath my mattress.

Anyway, the key to being a Hasidic Warrior is being able to admit mistakes.

What was my mistake?

Buying a ton of Israeli company stocks when the U.S. announced they killed Osama Bin Laden. This was, as many of you savvy traders out there realize, the top of this market.

I don't understand, he's dead! Isn't the world a better place?

It's a good thing I hedged myself a little by shorting some German companies.

Man, this feels almost as bad as when my good friend Bernie finally said I could invest with him. 

BFF Birthday!

As a Hasidic Warrior, I'm always concerned about groups bent upon world domination and so I follow all the major players and keep up with their recent news.

Today is a special day because two best friends are not only celebrating their birthday but are also rejoicing in the success of their master plan.

The history of their relationship is very sketchy but we do know this:

One Friday night the two friends got very high and then had the munchies. They both had the urge to go to a Waffle House.

Unfortunately, a Waffle House proved surprisingly difficult to find and they experienced a series of strange events on this quest that ultimately tested their willpower, determination and friendship.

Upon making it to a Waffle House, the two friends realized that they could achieve anything if they set their minds to it. They dubbed this the "Law of Attraction" and sometimes referred to it as "The Secret".

And so after enjoying their meal of Waffles with Fried Chicken and Waffles with Kim Chee (it is unclear who ordered what), they decided to try and manifest the most ridiculous and unlikely things that they could think of.

The first friend chose the idea of a downward-spiralling America completely losing its senses and electing a Black man for President even though he was born in Indonesia.

The second friend was perhaps even more absurd and chose to become a working Asian actor in a hit TV series in America. He also wanted to turn the struggling Korean car company Hyundai into a major force in the automobile industry.

And thus, several years later, history was made.

So Happy Birthday Barack Obama and Daniel Dae Kim!

And to the rest of you, Welcome to the New World Order.

Matt Damon Goes All Jason Bourne On Some Chick

So at the Save Our Schools rally in Washington D.C. this last weekend Matt Damon sparred verbally with a reporter from the libertarian Reason.tv about education reform.

You can watch the video below.

In all honesty, the most interesting thing about this interview is the reporter, Michelle Fields. She is a good example of a high-end butterface.

Great body but something of a brutal face.

For those of you who think that her face isn't all that busted, I assure you that it is. It's just that her body is good enough to Jedi Mind Trick you into doubting yourself. Hasidic Warriors train intensively to defend against this so I do know what I'm talking about.

And while Michelle does have a nice rack, she doesn't seem to have a brain, but maybe that's because she was going up against someone who worked closely with the Fields Medal winner Professor Gerald Lambeau.

I should probably take that back about her being stupid though- she just recently graduated from Pepperdine University, which as we all know is basically Ivy League caliber.

Anyway, I can't say I'm all that interested in the state of education in America and trying to improve it. I've pretty much given up all hope since the Chinese are basically Vulcans when compared to us.

And besides, it's not education that matters right now in the United States, it's jobs.

Steve Jobs, to be more precise.

As long as we have him, we have nothing to worry about.

I mean, it's not like he's about to die anytime soon.

Scatterbrain

Well, I'm all f*cked up.

I've been cleaning my house all day yesterday and this morning, trying to make room for the 5 CRT televisions that I am going to pick up today from someone who posted on the Free section of Craigslist.

Anyway, my notes are all over the place and I'm not sure what is what.

For instance, I know I wanted to use this picture:

But I'm not sure now if this was for my review on that documentary "Project Nim" or if I meant to use it to talk about how the Debt Ceiling Bill will likely pass today in the U.S. Senate.

It works equally well for both, as there are quite a few monkeys in the Congress.

For those of you who thought I was going to use the picture to talk about President Obama, hah.

Good one.

Gwyneth Paltrow Just A Regular Girl

In a recent tweet, the GOOP herself has tried to prove yet again that she is no different from any other woman.

From Twitter:

    "Who do I have to bang to get an advance copy of the new @coldplay album? I mean, really."

You see, like every other 38 year old woman who is married and has 2 kids, sexual intercourse with her husband is now only an obligation to be performed 3 times a year (Birthday, Valentine's Day, Anniversary) or a means of acquiring some favor from that husk of a man who surprisingly may still have some value even after being sucked dry of his Life seed.

For those of you who think Gwyneth was joking, I assure you she was not, for she does not have a sense of humor.

I know this from personal experience.

You see a few months ago, I met with the GOOP and her musician sperm donor at their Belsize Park apartment in north London. They had recently put out an ad seeking highly qualified tutors for their children Apple and Moses. They were looking for someone to teach Greek, Latin, French and Spanish to their kids, as well as someone who was able to play 2 musical instruments and was also an athlete. As I exceeded all those requirements, the interview was mostly a formality.

I was interested in the position for a few reasons. While the pay was decent ($98,000 dollars for 2-4 hours of work/week plus the use of a west London apartment), I was mainly attracted to the opportunity because they had named their son Moses and also because, back in the days of metrosexual angst, I used to listen to Coldplay late at night in my bedroom with the lights turned off.

As I said, the job offer was pretty much a done deal and at the end of our meeting the GOOP presented me a nicely wrapped gift tied with "Yellow" ribbons.

I took the opportunity then to crack a joke and asked frantically, "What's in the box?? What's in the box??!"

Nothing. No reaction whatsoever. You see, I told you she didn't have a sense of humor.

The GOOP then all of a sudden took on an icy demeanor and politely informed me that my services were not needed. She said I could keep the gift however, as a token of their appreciation.

Well, I was disappointed to say the least and, as I sat in the airport awaiting my flight back home, I took a peek into the box.

I found this.

Bad Hair Day

Some days just start off all wrong. Even for Hasidic Warriors.

Take today for example.

Now I don't know if it's the humidity or what (Oy, it's like a sauna here) but this morning I woke up and my hair was a mess.

I have payos all over.

This is troubling because today is Friday and Friday nights are sexy time for Hasidic Warriors. Hopefully, I'll get everything under control by then.

Lately I've been hitting up the weekly party at Temple Beth-El and let me tell you, it is off the hook. There is a $15 cover charge and often long lines to get in, but my boy Rico has the hookup so we never have to wait.

Ladies, if you decide to go, I'll be in the back with a bottle full of bub.

So come give me a hug if you're into getting rubbed.

Dancing Jews

So I recently went to a friend's wedding and let me tell you, it was such a joy and beautifully arranged. Of course, when I say arranged I am referring to the fact that the marriage itself was arranged.

You see, Hasidic Warriors don't mess around with dating. We let our parents take care of it. Sure, some of us have posted on JDate before, but really that was just for some late night booty calls.

If you choose women in the age group of 28-34, you don't have to wait the obligatory 3 dates before you play "hide the scroll in a cave."

Seriously, just talk about your desire to settle down, start a family and grow old with your best friend and soul mate, and your hit rate will be higher than Chris Brown's in a room full of sassy women.

DAMN, Hebrew! Oh no you didn't!

Anyway, back to my main point. Yeah, the wedding was good. Lots of drinking and dancing, a typical off the chain chagiga.

For those of you who didn't think that Hasidic Warriors could dance, take a look at this video. Unfortunately there is a short ad before the video plays, but I assure you it's worth it. We are some of the best dancers out there, particularly at weddings.

Are we as good as Black people when the "Electric Slide" comes on?

No, but we are a close second.