Bad Hair Day

Some days just start off all wrong. Even for Hasidic Warriors.

Take today for example.

Now I don't know if it's the humidity or what (Oy, it's like a sauna here) but this morning I woke up and my hair was a mess.

I have payos all over.

This is troubling because today is Friday and Friday nights are sexy time for Hasidic Warriors. Hopefully, I'll get everything under control by then.

Lately I've been hitting up the weekly party at Temple Beth-El and let me tell you, it is off the hook. There is a $15 cover charge and often long lines to get in, but my boy Rico has the hookup so we never have to wait.

Ladies, if you decide to go, I'll be in the back with a bottle full of bub.

So come give me a hug if you're into getting rubbed.

Dancing Jews

So I recently went to a friend's wedding and let me tell you, it was such a joy and beautifully arranged. Of course, when I say arranged I am referring to the fact that the marriage itself was arranged.

You see, Hasidic Warriors don't mess around with dating. We let our parents take care of it. Sure, some of us have posted on JDate before, but really that was just for some late night booty calls.

If you choose women in the age group of 28-34, you don't have to wait the obligatory 3 dates before you play "hide the scroll in a cave."

Seriously, just talk about your desire to settle down, start a family and grow old with your best friend and soul mate, and your hit rate will be higher than Chris Brown's in a room full of sassy women.

DAMN, Hebrew! Oh no you didn't!

Anyway, back to my main point. Yeah, the wedding was good. Lots of drinking and dancing, a typical off the chain chagiga.

For those of you who didn't think that Hasidic Warriors could dance, take a look at this video. Unfortunately there is a short ad before the video plays, but I assure you it's worth it. We are some of the best dancers out there, particularly at weddings.

Are we as good as Black people when the "Electric Slide" comes on?

No, but we are a close second.

Frenemies With Benefits

In an effort to escape the record heat wave this last weekend, I did what all pragmatic Hasidic Warriors do: I turned on the air conditioning. And by "turned on the air conditioning" I mean I went movie hopping at the local theater and stayed all day long.

Even though I only paid for one ticket I was able to see many great cinematic masterpieces. The movie that stuck out the most was "Friends with Benefits", starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. It's highly entertaining and I enjoyed it...for the most part.

My only problem with the film is the same problem that I had with the movie "No Strings Attached", which featured Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.

Both of these movies are unoriginal.

Now I don't mean unoriginal in the sense that they are cliched and unimaginative. That's hardly the case.

I mean unoriginal as in both of these movie ideas are stolen.

Stolen from whom you ask? From the great screenwriting Hasidic Warrior known as ME. That's right, Hollywood outright stole my sh*t.

Two years ago I was in Los Angeles and pitched my screenplay "Frenemies with Benefits" to various movie studios, producers and directors. It generated quite a bit of buzz and even Christopher Nolan told me he wanted to direct it.

The story was about 2 lesbian "friends" who have a love/hate relationship and try to escape from their troubled, caged lives.

Picture "Thelma and Louise" meets "Brokeback Mountain".

Now I know some of you are thinking that my screenplay isn't really all that similar to "No Strings Attached" or "Friends with Benefits."  But what if I told you that I wrote the characters in my screenplay SPECIFICALLY for the 2 greatest lesbian icons who just HAPPEN to also appear in those movies and that they had originally committed to my film?

You got it, I wrote those parts for Ashton Kutcher and Justin Timberlake.

Now I won't get into the details about how my movie deal fell apart, but suffice it to say that it's just a sign of the times.

As you are all well aware, the movie industry has had a longstanding conflict between Hasidic Warriors and Scientologists for several decades now. Although some progress has been made (but now there is talk of moving back to the 1967 borders), the areas stretching from the West Hollywood Bank to the Sunset Strip are still hotly contested.

Physically, the Scientologists are no match for Hasidic Warriors and even the lethal Level 8 Scientologists pose us no difficulties. But in terms of the movie business, well, that is another story.

I've seen the careers of many Hasidic Warriors destroyed by Scientologists and every time I flip through channels and see something on the Lifetime Movie Network, I pour out a little of my drink for my homies who have fallen.

Are You Ready For Some Football?!

Football season is nearly upon us!

The NFL lockout is finally over and, judging from the emails, this is causing concern among our female readers. Yes, there are quite a few women among us and No, I am not just making that up.

What did you expect from this blog, a giant kosher beef sausagefest?

So what this means for most women is that they will soon be ignored for several hours every week unless they choose to prance around wearing only a football jersey and panties and ask questions for which they have absolutely no interest in the answers.

I did not make up these rules, I have only observed them in the real world. And I was kidding about asking questions.

For all you Hasidic Princesses out there though, you have nothing to worry about, as you undoubtedly already have your man's shriveled balls carefully tucked away in a dark corner of the second, smaller handbag that you carry.

Well done.

Honestly, this post will be pretty short as there are not many Jews in the NFL and most of the ones who do play are scrubs.

The best explanation that I've heard for this, from renowned sociologists and sports writers, is that the decline of the Jewish player in the NFL occurred when more stringent rules against performance-enhancing drugs were adopted.

You see, FEAR was deemed a performance-enhancing drug and there was no greater user of it than the Jewish player who was being chased by huge Black men.

This triggered the flight or flight response (not a typing error), which in turn increased adrenaline and gave the Jewish player an unfair advantage in eluding his pursuer.

And thus the demise of our presence in the NFL.

Now for those of you who were hoping that I would offer some advice for your fantasy football league, I am sorry to disappoint you.

Besides, you don't want my advice. I keep it real as a Hasidic Warrior and stay true to my roots.

Unfortunately, this explains why I drafted Sage Rosenfels as my keeper pick in the First Round and have had him ever since his rookie year.

You can imagine how that has worked out.

Oy Vey-Jay-Jay! Sarah Silverman

Keeping up with my serial posts on hot women, this week I'd like to focus on the comedian and actress Sarah Silverman. She recently wrote a letter to the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) calling for action against the Ringling Bros. circus for the cruel treatment they are inflicting on 4 of their elephants.

Readers can support Sarah's efforts by going to the PETA website for more details or by boycotting or protesting any future Ringling Bros. circus performances until the matter is cleared up.

You see, much like me, Sarah Silverman has a fondness for animals. Humans on the other hand? Meh. Not so much.

For those of you who ask, "How can you not like your own species?"

Please. I am a Hasidic Warrior. We are by nature self-hating.

But we do like animals and, in particular, we like elephants. That's because Hasidic Warriors share a bond with elephants that is more than just the fact that we practice Yoga and happen to like Ganesh.

I won't get much more into it other than to say that Hasidic Warrior's share certain characteristics with elephants; characteristics which led to the creation of the religious ritual known as Bris. While historians might offer you other reasons for its origin, the truth is that it came about because Hasidic Warriors were blessed with too much and felt bad about changing in front of others in the locker rooms of the local JCC.

But enough on that, this post is about the spirit of the Almighty V*gina and its manifestation in the Chosen avatar Sarah Silverman.

Now you can play around with all the shiksas you want, but at the end of the day, who are you really going to bring home to meet Bubbe?

Sarah is smart, funny and successful. She also has a nice rack. She's made numerous television and movie appearances over the years, had her own show on Comedy Central and is even a published author who made it onto the New York Times Best-Seller List.

Perhaps her greatest single achievement is legitimizing the existence of Jimmy Kimmel, whom she dated for several years.

No matter how you look at it, Sarah Silverman is hot. She's also probably a demon between the sheets or, if you believe the urban myth, between just the one sheet.

Honestly though, she's nearly every Hasidic Warrior's wet dream. Unless of course Bar Refaeli has a PhD and a better Asian joke that people can overreact to.

Lady GaGa Going Bald

The epitome of journalistic integrity in the United Kingdom which is known as "The Sun" is reporting today that Lady Gaga is going bald.

You can read the article here. I believe its author Gordon Smart may be nominated for a Pulitzer Award shortly.

Apparently the chanteuse has dyed her hair far too much and damaged it. "The Sun" quotes an unnamed source who says that she has been using Rogaine in an attempt to reverse the hair loss.

Here is a picture that is similar to the one they are using, which may give you an idea of what she may look like when totally hairless.

However, Hasidic Warriors are well aware that baldness occurs in progressive stages. So what will Lady Gaga's hair loss look like as it evolves?

Well, this poses an interesting dilemma as Mother Monster is quite unique. First, there is speculation that she is actually male. And second, what ethnicity is she exactly?

Wikipedia states that she is of Italian descent but I believe that is only a half-complete answer.

In my studies I have come across a rare ethnic group which I shall use the term "Jewtalian" for. Many people use this term interchangeably for Jews who resemble Italians and vice versa. Of course, this is a very loose definition and extremely difficult to replicate using the scientific method.

I choose to characterize "Jewtalian" differently as:

Those persons of Italian descent who are blessed by G*d with the talent and exceptional abilities of a Jew, and yet are cursed with the biological condition of a deviated septum.

So if we take these 2 givens then, that Lady Gaga is male and also Jewtalian, we now can predict with greater accuracy the progression of "her" alopecia.

I feel certain that this is the correct approach. Indeed, Gaga herself has given us the clues in her song "Born This Way".

So, without further ado, I present to you the male Semitic pattern of baldness, as classified by the researchers Ebling and Roock.

This is how Lady Gaga's baldness will progress.

Amy Winehouse, Rest In Peace

On a sad note for this usually upbeat blog, singer Amy Winehouse passed away on Saturday at the young age of 27. This is unfortunate because the world lost a very talented musician and our community also lost a member of its tribe.

However, since all good Hasidic Warriors are optimists and choose to focus on the bright side of Life, I would like to remind everyone that we still have Matisyahu.

Though the cause of Amy's death is still unknown, many people suspect it may be drug-related since she had a difficult history with addiction. An autopsy is scheduled for later today.

I've received a few emails about this subject from readers, the most notable of which comes from one person who claims that he is not a conspiracy theorist. This particular genius, however, suspects that foul play is involved and that a sinister campaign is being waged against prominent English Soul singers. He points to the recent failed kidnapping of Joss Stone as an example.

No, Felix, I don't think you are crazy, but what do you want me to do?

Book a flight over to London and set up a perimeter around Adele?

Although I still possess "a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career, skills that make me a nightmare...", I have long since retired from that game.

I understand your concern, however.

As a Hasidic Warrior, I too have also dabbled in the occasional BBW. I also like her hit song "Rolling in the Deep", which discusses the benefits of sexual intercourse with large women.

But I think Adele will be fine.

Warrior Nerds

The 2011 San Diego Comic-Con is in full sway and while there are many reasons to attend, the best of these might be that Adrianne Curry will be there.

Or not. It depends, some people find her attractive, while others think she is trashy.

Personally, I think both of those qualities are redeeming.

So I used to be a fan of comics. I gave up on it though when my proposal for a new reboot of the Fantastic 4 got shot down by Marvel Comics. They loved the concept but cancelled the project due to fear of public backlash.

Apparently it is frowned upon to draw pictures of He Who Shall Not Be Named Nor Depicted Visually.

Well f*ck you, Marvel. It was a great idea.

It was basically He Who Shall Not Be Named Nor Depicted Visually, the Buddha, Jesus, and Me, all working together and kicking ass. Pretty much the 4 best representatives of our major religions.

But that's all in the past.

Anyway, I know some of you are wondering who my favorite superhero is. Well, it's Superman, but probably not for the reasons you think. Sure, we all know that his space capsule leaving Krypton resembles the story of Moses. And that his name Kal-El is similar to the Hebrew words meaning "Voice of G*d."

But I don't like Superman because of his Jewish undertones. I like him because he is the clearest example of the vast differences between someone who is just a Jew and someone who is a Hasidic Warrior.

Let me explain.

Clark Kent is like your average male Jew. (Maybe he has an apartment in the Upper East Side of NYC, whatever, I digress) He's far too timid to express his feelings towards Lois Lane, and if he ever did grow the balls to ask her out, she would tell him that she wouldn't want to risk ruining their friendship.

Superman, on the other hand, is like a Hasidic Warrior. Lois Lane would bang Superman in an instant if she could. She would drop her panties faster than a speeding bullet.

Faster than you running to the bathroom after eating Gefilte fish even.

That's why I like Superman.

Let It All Hang Out

Many of you dear readers have expressed a desire to meet me.

I get emails all the time saying, "You are the best!" or "I want to be just like you."

I completely understand.

Women and weak men often find themselves attracted to Hasidic Warriors. Please understand though, it's not me. It's the strength of my Hasido which you feel compelled by.

And while I am grateful for all your compliments, I must remind you that flattery will get you nowhere with me. At best your sycophantic gestures make me feel either apathetic or mildly disgusted, like a non-Jew who is offered a plate of Hamantashen.

"No Thanks, I'll pass."

Even if it was that dank, sticky icky Hamantashen. No interest whatsoever.

Still, I know you are curious about what it would be like to hang out with me.

In a word: Awesome.

But the fact remains that you must be at a certain level before I even consider spending time with you.

Take this guy in the video below, for example. He's applying for an internship in Hasido. He just about meets all of our baseline physical requirements. Here's a quick look at his physical profile:

Name: (Withheld for Privacy & Security Reasons)
40 Yard Dash Time:   4.38 seconds
Bench Press 225lbs: 19 reps
Vertical Jump:           41.5 inches

All in all, not too bad. I might be able to work with that.

But the criteria for becoming a Hasidic Warrior is more than just having near world-class athletic skills. At the end of the day, you've got to possess that intangible "something" that separates you from others.

And what is that "something"?

It's being cool.

So how do I determine if an applicant is "cool" enough for training? I ask him to send me a video of himself, hanging out by himself.

Because if you aren't the greatest thing since Challah bread even though you are alone, then you don't have what it takes to become a Hasidic Warrior.

ChoZen People

Since Japan recently won the Women's World Cup, it's appropriate to discuss the close ties that Hasidic Warriors have with our funny little brothers and sisters.

They've been going through tough times and I think the best way to support them is to remind them of our deep, shared history.

Centuries ago, Hasidic Warrior merchants traveled to distant lands. They visited the Japanese, as well as those other countries with people who look just like them.

Anyway, when the Warrior/Merchants sold their goods, they signed forms to indicate quality and authenticity, and no one dared to counterfeit them for fear of Jewish reprisal.

These Hasidic Warriors used the symbol of the circle, which the Ancient Greeks called "kyklos", but its known to us as a "kikel".

While others derived derogatory terms from this, the Japanese were so enamored with us they adopted the symbol of the circle as their own flag. They colored it red, like blood, because of the legendary combat skills of Hasidic Warriors.

Our influence on the Japanese culture extends even further.

For example, we have the Star of David. The Japanese decided to homage our great warriors by creating the Shuriken, their Ninja throwing star.

During Hanukkah they asked us about our Menorah, and we explained to them that we were G*d's Chosen People, that He had gifted us with the largest penis of all races. The 9 prongs on the candelabrum represented the minimum length of inches that a Hasidic Warrior possessed.

In turn, the Japanese refined the weapon known as a Sai, which has 2 prongs.

Now I know what you are thinking. What about Black people?

Allow me to educate you with this.

A Dream Within A Dream

Hasidic Warriors have chosen to make the practice of Hasido a lifelong journey. As a consequence, we are intensely passionate and spiritual.

Among us you can even find those who are known as the Kabbalah mystics. These are great Warriors who have acquired tremendous wisdom and near supernatural abilities. Indeed, some of them have even studied for years under the tutelage of the great M. Ciccone.

Understandably, Hasidic Warriors can sometimes have difficulty distinguishing between the real world and the world of dreams. Where does one end and the other begin?

For instance, the other day I dreamt that I was not allowed to eat pork, even though ribs are so delicious and are the staple of any true man's diet. But when I woke up from this nightmare I found that nothing had changed.

Was I still trapped within the dream world? Was this someone else's dream? Or was it perhaps a dream within a dream.

I spun my weighted totem to help me differentiate between reality and fantasy.

Alas, you can see the results for yourself.

The Truth About Rebecca Black

So Rebecca Black released her followup single on Monday.

Frankly, I have misgivings about posting this. Not because I don't find her to be an incredible talent, that much should be clear to anyone. It's because I feel she's sold out and hasn't stayed true to her roots.

Let me explain.

Those of us who attended her Bat Mitzvah last year, where she sang the Torah with autotune, know Rebecca Black by her true name, Rebekah Schwartz.

As you know, there are many Hasidic Warriors who work in the music industry and the original plan was to spread our message through the medium of music.

Sadly, that never occurred because our Jewish female icon desired Goyim acceptance and eventually succumbed to greed. Imagine that, a Jew motivated by financial gain.

I refuse to post her video for "My Moment" for several reasons. First, the song is terrible. It's a ballad and Hasidic Warriors aren't into ballads. And secondly, the plan for her second single was to have her do a cover of "If I Were A Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof.

But like I said, she sold us out.

Instead, I present to you the original version of her first single "Friday", before she changed it. It's brought to you by Kosher Kidz, a new power pop group currently tearing it up in Forest Hills, NY.

Enjoy.

Oy Vey-Jay-Jay!

One reader has asked me for advice on women and, more specifically, about women who are not of the "community", so to speak.

All I can really say is that temptation is a part of life and that Hasidic Warriors are not perfect.

Take me for example. I have occasionally strayed in the past, most notably after several of these, which are usually only found in the VIP area of exclusive clubs and lounges.

Those make me sloppy. And when I get sloppy, I go slumming.

And when I go slumming, I go slumming with the shiksas.

I won't deny it, I've been with a lot of beasts. Learn from my mistakes. As a cautionary tale, I am posting a video example of my prior indiscretion.

I mean, take a look at the nose on this one.

Far too small.

Wendi Deng Shows Off Hasido Move

It's not often that you see Hasido in the mainstream media, but today Wendi Deng displayed some skill when she fended off her husband Rupert Murdoch's assailant.

She's not a Hasido Master by any means, but the registry shows her having taken some self-OFFENSE classes with instructor Edwin Greenberg, who teaches in New York City and in Great Neck, Long Island.

The technique Wendi Deng used is what's known as the BITCH SLAP OF G*D. It's a move commonly taught to women, often used against unruly children or while on a date with someone who is not acting like a Mensch.

It is also one of the few moves that can be performed on Shabbat.

Here is a video of Wendi Deng displaying perfect form:

Ancient Chinese Secret

Much like this man, Hasidic Warriors do not advertise. We are comfortable living in the shadows. However, we draw a line when it comes to blatant Chinese knockoffs.

After all, it's only right that one receives credit when credit is due. And while we are honorable Warriors who are willing to let many things slide, the Hasidic part of our nature demands some form of compensation.

Take the following story for example.

In 1959, a Hasido Master who lived in Seattle was eating at his favorite restaurant for dinner on Christmas. Naturally it was a Chinese restaurant but this particular establishment was known for perfecting a Kosher version of a dish befitting all Warriors- General Tso's Chicken.

The details are unclear but what emerged is that an enterprising young busboy offered to give the Hasido Master the secret recipe for Kosher General Tso's Chicken, in exchange for the Master taking him on as a student.

The Hasido Master agreed.

The two soon became close friends and upon teaching his student the ultimate technique known as the JERUSALEM FIST, which "if do right, no can defense", the Hasido Master asked for the secret recipe.

When the apprentice shared the secret ingredients, the Hasido Master became enraged for he thought his student had betrayed him. Only a fool would believe that the secret recipe for General Tso's Chicken was actually the same as that of Sesame Chicken, except spicier.

The pair soon parted ways, with the Hasido Master vowing never again to talk to his apprentice. All his life, however, the young student maintained that he told the Hasido Master the true recipe.

And out of love and respect for his teacher, the apprentice eventually adopted a secular version of his Master's name as his own.

The Hasido Master's name was Baruch Leibowitz. The young apprentice?

He became known as Bruce Lee.

And so, without further ado, I give you the JERUSALEM FIST, better known today as Bruce Lee's 1-Inch Punch.

Empty Your Cup

Today I want to talk about preparing to become a Hasidic Warrior. In order to learn even the most basic moves of Hasido you must first discard all your preconceived notions and everything that you THINK you know.

For example, most people believe that the Heimlich Maneuver is a way to treat someone who is choking on a piece of food, perhaps an overly large but tasty Matzah ball.

Hasidic Warriors, however, understand the true history behind this lethal move.

In truth, this technique is called the CHAIM-LICH MANEUVER and it was created by the crime fighting Rabbi Moishe Chaim and his sidekick Shlomo Lich. It is an offensive move that was designed as a choke hold, a method of strangulation.

Hasidic Warriors disguised the deadlier aspects of this technique from the public though, as they blended into the shadows of the mundane world and became mostly doctors or lawyers or frugal and crafty merchants.

So the first thing you must do, if you wish to learn Hasido, is to empty your cup of so-called knowledge. Because I assure you that everything that you THINK you know is worthless and that your glass is full of vinegar, not wine.

And you must first pour out your vinegar, if you wish to taste my sweet Manischewitz.

So Empty Your Cup and learn the ways of the Hasidic Warrior.

All Mixed Up

Several readers have asked if they should train in MMA, the mixed martial arts, in order to become a complete fighter.

Let me respond with my own question. Do you want to be beaten into a bloody pulp by a Hasidic Warrior?

No? Then you should train in the Hasidic Warrior's martial art Hasido.

Take this man here for example:

He's a trained warrior of Hasido. He would crush you in a fight, much like a glass is crushed at a Jewish Wedding.

Mazel Tov, bitches.

You want to be a complete fighter? Be a Hasidic Warrior.

Hasidic Warriors don't need to mix- whether its martial arts, or socially, or even when it comes to eating meat and dairy.

Are You Serious?

I have received a few emails asking about Hasido and how to become a Hasidic Warrior. The subject of these emails all tend to be the same, namely "Is this for real?" and "Are you being serious?"

The answer is Yes. I am very serious. Hasido is very serious.

How serious you ask? Well, that depends. Do you consider a gunshot wound to the head to be serious? Because I don't. I find that laughable and I don't even have a sense of humor. I didn't even laugh once during that movie Bridesmaids.

That's how hardcore I am.

If Bruce Lee went to Yeshiva and then became a Navy SEAL, that would be me like 10 years ago.

That's how serious I am.

The Deadliest Martial Art

Do you know what the deadliest martial art in the history of Mankind is? Some people say it is this.

Those people would be wrong.

The most lethal martial art ever devised is called Hasido, the Hasidic Warrior's form of self-offense. That's right, I said offense.

The first lesson you must learn is that Hasidic Warriors do not believe in defense. The blood of Abraham flows strongly through our veins and we do not weaken it with thoughts about defense.

Contemplate this first and soon you will be on your way to becoming a Hasidic Warrior.

In the following posts, and as I update this blog, I will teach you all the there is to know about Hasido, so stay tuned. 

Stay Ready, Stay Deadly.

For that is the Way of the Hasidic Warrior.